Thembisa’s Prayer, Prayer of a Child

O God –

I am kneeling before you and scream without a voice

You are the only one who can see my heart torn and shred in pieces

You alone can feel my pain.

O Lord –

You count my tears and you collect them in your cup.

O Lord –

You created me and when I was born my parents called me THEMBISA meaning promise.

You are my witness - you were present when I gave the promise to my mother at the last moment in her life.

You were present when I wiped the sweat from her forehead while she was dying.

I promised that I shall be an obedient girl respecting Uncle Josh and his wife as my new parents.

I promised I shall be like a mother to my younger brothers.

 

I promised - O God of mercy - I promised.

I am only 15 years old and I have not broken my promise.

But I don’t know, O Lord, how long I can go on.

I think of killing myself but when I see my younger brothers, I know I have to live for their sake because of my promise.

O Lord –

you know what is happening:

Uncle Josh asks me to bring a glass of water to his bedroom almost every week-end. When I bring the glass he asks for more than water. I want to scream: NO. My body starts shaking with revulsion. But then I remember my promise that I shall be obedient.

Uncle Josh is good to us. He pays our school fees and he is kind and generous to my younger brothers.

If I speak out, what will happen to us? Uncle Vusi might chase us away.

My aunt looks at me with sad eyes when I go inside his bedroom to bring the water. She knows but she keeps silent.

Last month she has taken me to the clinic to get the injection that I may not fall pregnant because, she says, the boys in my class may force me to do certain things.

I feel so worthless and dirty. I always wanted to protect my body as the temple of your Spirit. Now I wish I had no body. I begin to hate my body.

Who can I talk to?

I am afraid to talk to Umfundisi because Uncle Josh is on the church council and gives donations to the church.

I am afraid to talk to my teacher because Uncle Josh assists with raising funds for our school. 

Uncle Josh is an important and respected man in our community.

When he sees my tearful eyes he explains to me that I need to bring the water so that he remains strong and can keep working hard to support all of us.

Lord, I have seen my father and my mother dying of the unspeakable illness. I don’t want to die in the same way. Will Uncle Josh give me the deadly virus?

Lord, I am only 15. My teachers praise my work at school - I have dreams - and I want to help my younger brothers. I don’t want to die the slow death of shame.

Lord - please protect me. Don’t let it happen to me. I’ll try to endure the pain until I am old enough to support myself.

Lord - please hear my prayer - see my tears - don’t let it happen to me!

I trust in you alone.

 

Amen